How am I supposed to recover when I don't even understand my disease?

Mon, 04 Dec 2006 05:14:37 GMT

the academy is...
"Almost Here"

So listen up.
I worked in daylight feeding fashion to housewives.
For just this once, I'll take my chances on truck stops and state lines.
Go ahead and tell them again.
Well I think that I know that they won't remember.
Go ahead and tell them twice.
Yeah, twice is nice, but three times is just right.

Hey, hey now we're almost home.
I'm missing you to death, but it's all for the best, I know.
Hey, hey we're not far from home.
I've got my pride, and I'll let you sleep tonight.

So listen up.
My old friends have been dropping like houseflies.
The smoking gun still sits in my pocket and I know how to use it.
Go ahead and tell them again.
Well I think that I know that I won't forgive them
for turning their backs when we started to get busy.
Well, yeah twice is fine, but three times is just right.

Hey, hey now we're almost home.
I'm missing you to death, but to each his own.
Hey, hey we're not far from home.
I've got my pride, and I'll let you sleep tonight.

Hey, hey now we're almost home.
I'm missing you to death, missing you to death.
Hey, hey we're not far from home.
I'll swallow my pride and push back my seat tonight.

I'm on my feet
I'm on my feet
I'm on my feet

I'm on my feet (This isn't like us anyway.)
I'm on my feet (This isn't like us anyway.)
I'm on my feet (This isn't like us anyway.)

I'm running...
Our time is almost... our time is almost here
Our time is almost... our time is almost here
Our time is almost... our time is almost here
Our time is almost... our time is almost here
Our time is almost... our time is almost here
Our time is almost... our time is almost here
Our time is almost... our time is almost here

Fri, 01 Dec 2006 01:44:46 GMT

had a good interview yesterday so i'll be going to institute of technology in january. and getting a 2001 celica. life is good

Thought this was interesting, if going to read, read whole thing.

Fri, 24 Nov 2006 20:05:21 GMT

29 TWEEKERS

Tweekers always have something to fix,
with electricans tape and toothpicks.

Tweekers wear wife beaters even at 4am,
windows down, middle of winter, still sweatin.

Tweekers don't trip off eatin, don't trip off sleepin,
don't trip whether it's day or evenin, DO trip
off who their meetin...Always hidin never seekin.

Tweekers do like speekin, do like peekin, do like tweekin,
do like tweekin.

Old lady Tweekers tease their hair, wear jean skirts
and no underwear.

Tweekers loose their teeth, burn their thumbs, hide
that they tweek, have black stains on their
sleeves.

Tweekers like others who tweek, talk about each other, then
get together and tweek.

Tweekers hide behind locked doors, pretend they have
nothing while they smoke and sneek, smoke and
sneak.

Tweekers pick at their face, jump on your case, don't know
the date, DO know to lock the gate...

Tweekers ALWAYS run late

If a Tweeker has a car, they stay where they are, don't
open the trunk, packed with junk, bungie cord
speaker wire, rubber gloves, fluid for fire, empty
torch.

Tweekers have dead BIC lighters all over their house,

Tweekers have tweekers sittin on their couch,

Tweekers don't trust, most can't be trusted,

Tweekers get paranoid, risk gettin busted,

Tweekers have vision most cannot see,

Tweekers can see things that can't be seen,

Tweekers drive by the rearview...Cant see me, but a
Tweeker sees you,

Tweekers don't visit their friends that don't have dope,

Tweekers loose their mind, loose their kind, Always fast
forward, can't rewind,

Tweekers end up in jail,

Tweekers can't afford bail,

No one there for them, Tweekers live in hell,

Tweekers hurt the ones who love them true,

Tweekers leave questions, when answers are due,

Families left in wonder, loss and pain,
Tweekers rollin the dice,
A game of life wasted...
Just Tweekin in vain.

(Thank God, No longer Tweekin)

Fri, 30 Jun 2006 22:52:07 GMT

the lake house is awesome.

Tue, 27 Jun 2006 21:22:10 GMT

heh i realized that if anyone actually follows these posts, they're probably like wtf? and i shoulda actually expected that because these posts arent for anyone else really besides me and things that i need to get out somehow no matter if the mood its written in is negative or positive. but despite how these posts are how i vent, i dont make them private because i've always hoped that maybe someday a person will read it and maybe understand how my life's turned out, maybe someday it'll find a reader who cares the way that would make me feel even the tiny bit less alone. though i take a little comfort in the fact that me feeling so alone means no ones had to feel that way, and for that i am thankful.

Tue, 20 Jun 2006 09:39:55 GMT

[Andre Nickatina]
Sometimes I feel like I'm caught in a verse
Or I'm Bobby Fischer but nobody cared to search
Can't look my mother in the eye no mo'
Can't tell her that the god don't get high no mo'
Its the begining of a train wreck
Hold ya heart cause believe me the camera won't explain it
Or contain it, an angel said "free"
Was I really what you wanted me to be?
You trust the soul of the icey cold
Because they bump you where guns and the drugs is sold
And where the gods said they're born to roll
And they'll think like this until they gray and old
I think back to when I was drug free, care free
But that was long ago kinda like a memory
Do you remember me? Man it was long ago
We used to like each other livin in the Fillmoe
You never said no I never said hoe
But like I said in the begining that was long ago
And from the start yo you knew I wasnt Mozart
Marvin Gaye always said life comes apart
And like a puzzle, some times it gets worse
I'd probably break down if I step into church

[Equipto]
Man
We had dreams of doin things with money
Its funny how situations get ugly
I usta believe when a girl says she love me
But now I take off, don't look back and keep runnin'
A hundred miles an hour I'm hidin my smile
But now I find time just for writin it down..huh
It's kill joy, I'm still your boy
'til then I'ma build and destroy
And fill the void
I keep sinnin in this sensitive world
Though I've never gotten this for a lesson to learn...(never)
Baby keep askin me when I'd return
Not knowin' I'm a playa in every sense of the word..HUH
My momma cry she know I ain't livin right
Can't legiaimize who I am in her mind
Am I blind or just too ignorant?
I'd give my life to feel that innocent
I can't look back
Bags is packed
Sayin "Won't nobody know where I'm at" ..(gone)
Across the map
No contact leave the phone
Rollin stone, and RARELY be at home
I got a plan to get away
Hustlin' a family
We can live for betta days
Or I mean HAPPY
But everything comes with time
ONE HEART
ONE LUV
ONE LIFE

...................its like that

Mon, 19 Jun 2006 23:15:14 GMT

life's going good, its almost all back to normal ^_^

update.

Sun, 04 Jun 2006 16:41:56 GMT

well, we got an eviction notice on the door a while ago. the reason? 2 seniors who go around bragging about it.. threw 2 rocks the size of 1 ft x 1 ft through our front house windows.

Sun, 23 Apr 2006 21:03:34 GMT

"...Judge me, fuck you, stop playing god,
Your forked tongue prophecies,
carelessly caressing the wounds of the weak
People like you should be crucified,
then maybe just maybe you would have an idea
Of what you are talking about..." -Atreyu

Sun, 23 Apr 2006 19:31:24 GMT

FLAW

"Recognize"

Well ive had enough
Of these selfish crimes
I hurt myself again
Not knowing why
It seems so easy
To leave it all behind
And avoid the truth I think id rather just go blind

Then everything erupts
My life has come unglued
And the ties that bind have left me
What am I to do?

Cant seem to recognize
That stare behing those eyes
Who is this man I see?
Whos looking back at me?
Cant focus through the grey
And I am fading into nothing
The reflection must get clearer

I think im cracking up
Like ive lost my mind
I hurt myself again
Still dont know why
I end up the same way
Each and every time
I cant avoid the truth
Theres just nowhere to run and hide

Then everything erupts
Just like I knew it would
I'm Down here on and off
It never felt that good
Is this what I've become
My life has come unglued
And the ties that bind have left me
What am I to do?

Cant seem to recognize
That stare behing those eyes
Who is this man I see?
Whos looking back at me?
Cant focus through the grey
And I am fading into nothing
The reflection must get clearer than it appears to be right now

There must be somone I can see....
Theres gotta be something for me
Show it now, let it go free
I know its there waiting on me
Let it out, let it go free

Cant seem to recognize
That stare behing those eyes
Who is this man I see?
Whos looking back at me?
Cant focus through the grey
And I am fading into nothing
The reflection must get clearer

Tue, 07 Mar 2006 21:36:52 GMT

[bayside][tortured and the damned]

I lived too fast and I loved too much and I’ll die too young, but I chose this cup that I drank from. Knew what I was getting into. But I couldn’t let out what I had to keep in. I’m ashamed of myself and unspeakable sins that I’ve committed and…. I’ve made mistakes but I’ll find my way. No explanation for the things I’ve failed at before. They can’t hold my hand. It just hurts to be a man. Through the tortures of the damned. If I only had an axe I’d sever the ties I’ve made with the world. Maybe I can be a stranger in a strange place If I start now, maybe I can be saved. If I only had a mask, I’d cover these bleeding eyes. They’re bloodshot now but they’ll be black by dawn. If I wake up now I can be pure again. Look at me now, I’m on the tracks with my back towards the last train leaving town

Tue, 28 Feb 2006 06:13:41 GMT

decided im going to go to recording art school, and produce records.

Mon, 20 Feb 2006 02:17:59 GMT

My brain is wired up,
Slightly different to yours,
I should have been born,
With a tail and four paws.

I'm misjudged by most humans,
Why cant they see,
Its not my fault i'm different,
And accept me for ME!

If only they wanted me,
The way that I am,
And be like my animals,
Who dont give a damn.

THEIR loves unconditional,
I never need to explain,
They always stick by me,
And never complain.

If only most humans,
Could just be the same,
I'm sick of them judging,
When i'm not to blame!

But they misinterpret,
Many things that I say,
As I do not realise,
The way things convey.

I do my best,
To try to explain,
If I'm misunderstood,
Why not ask me again?

If you are unsure,
Ask for more information,
Please dont cut me off,
With no explanation.

My emotions go deep,
As I cant conceal,
The thoughts in my head,
And the way that I feel.

I hate being different,
Its caused such abuse,
Some people say I use it,
As a weak excuse.

Its not an excuse,
It is a fact,
But if I try to explain,
I'm verbally attacked.

Its a genetic disorder,
Thats has ruined my life,
Its brought so much heartache,
Injustice and strife.

If my family really cared.
They would want to learn,
What a joy it would bring,
That they're showing concern,

I know it takes time,
There is never enough,
So I am left feeling,
They dont give a stuff.

It takes time and patience,
To understand me,
Cos I am an adult,
With ADHD.

Sun, 19 Feb 2006 18:51:05 GMT

To the people that dont know, i've been struggling with an addiction to crystal meth. I figured I'd write a little about the disease of addiction so I might be understood a little better considering i dont fit in with many people my age because the type of picture that is drawn in a normal view of a 'drug addict', and im also writting this for those who have loved ones with the disease of addiction and miss the loved one so much that loving them brought you pain caused by their addiction and/or their words have become hollow because their list of priorities are only selfish ones because of this disease, and the phrase 'i'm sorry' is nothing but something that you want to respond to by saying 'prove it.' but maybe this might help.

Addiction is a clinically proven disease because it is chronic(theres no cure), progressive(only gets worse), and fatal. If you think that its just a druggie disease, note it is NOT 'the disease of drugs'. In an addicts mind, drugs aren't the problem, they are the solution to our problems. The disease of addiction doesnt even have to be a drug necessarily, the disease is a disease of the mind that is created by the person when dealing with life on life's terms by self medicating using their 'drug of choice' and in doing that, we feel we cant function like normal peoople without using the drug of choice, because once your body(mental or physical)becomes dependent on something triggered by a certain feeling(stress, depression, anger and any other feeling that can make us feel like shit), we start to believe that our self medication is the only direction to go. And anyone that is an addict, automatically puts their addiction before anyone else (family members, actual friends, or responsibilities) because without our drug of choice fueling us-we dont know HOW to act after we only feel normal when active in our addiction. And when in our addiction, we do know we're hurting our bodies...we're not that stupid, but we think that ourselves are the only ones taking damage. Unfortunately anyone that is active in their addiction is blinded by it and cannot see the amount of damage they do to their loved ones, which in his mind is the last ones he would want to hurt. There is no getting over being an addict, you can never recovER because that would mean you were fixed heh wouldnt that a treat. But to be able to feel happiness and meaning in our lives, we have to first be willing to admit that we have a problem, and then truely want it in a way that we are willing to put our recovery above all other priorities, because if you do it for your kids, or any one else besides yourself-you are just setting yourself up to fail the second once a problem comes along that would require looking inside yourself to fix, how can someone else do that for you. And if you want it for yourself and put your recovery above your family instead of doing it for them, you will be able to be there FOR them, instead of having a life that is happy and meaningful at the end of the day with having more positives than negatives- ride on needing your family to be there for you. Every addict has a natural defense mechanism to say/feel that you dont know them and what they've been through, but self-pitty will just pull you down faster, its about having the willingness and open mindedness to realize that we are our own worst enemies and that no matter what happened in the past, realizing that the past is only the thing that got you to where you are today. And to not look into the future, cause saying 'im never gonna do drugs again' doesnt work, cause our addictive thinking says '...never is a long time' all this is stuff i've learned and realized, not something from a book. Theres that saying 'the teacher shows up when the student's ready to learn' well all this is what i've learned, so for once in my life, i allowed the teacher to show up because i was finally willing to let my pride go and realize that thinking im different or the odd one out, only makes me dwell on the past. I'll shut up now about this now ...my livejournal says 'how can i recover if i dont even understand my disease' which is ironic because now i understand my disease, and am recovering, when i originally put that subtitle cause it was clever at the time, and emo :X lol but this is just my experience, not something i think everyone should memorize or learn from i just know that because of what i've learned and applying it, i heard the words from my mom last friday: "I cant believe i have my son back"

Mon, 13 Feb 2006 06:34:40 GMT

"It's never too late to be the person you could have become.". TS Eliot

Mon, 19 Dec 2005 18:49:52 GMT

i wish..people would have made this decision be just an idea by knowing the amount of power they've had without knowing. sorry to anyone that had hope in me making it here-, but -there is where hope and faith are best used

Sat, 17 Dec 2005 15:33:21 GMT

one of the actual few friends that I am more than blessed to have, is dying of cancer. i've never had a higher respect for a whole family that has been able to make it through so much bulshit that life can hand out and were thankful for every single thing they had no matter what it was. But cancer, is not what he deserves. I'd take the cancer instead of him -in a heartbeat. A prayer is a prayer no matter how big it is and what/how much you say in it, but for him? i'll pray harder than any prayer any day, until the day i die because this person is a person that has a positive impact that influences positive decisions/solutions. And he is supposed to live-and get old and crusty, not have a clock as an enemy. People will say throughout life, 'maybe it was meant to happen' -if i ever objected to fate, i object right now. I would be much better of a person if had been more like him, so why is such a curse occuring on the wrong person. I'd give my life for you in a heartbeat man, im gonna shut up right now because lifes never been fair for me so i pretty much wouldnt most likely talk about anything else besides how fate, should keep to itself this time-in my eyes.

Sun, 11 Dec 2005 22:15:48 GMT

SGHdfljhk;asdfjbgopasdfa i spilt juice on my shirt.

Fri, 09 Dec 2005 22:39:46 GMT

im back. and staying.

Wed, 30 Nov 2005 05:30:04 GMT

the cup is not half empty as pessimists say
as far as he's sees nothings left in the cup
a whole cup full of nothing for him to induldge
since the voice of ambition has long since been shut up

a singer, a writer, he's not dreaming now of going nowhere
he gave heed to nothing, and all that he was....
is just a tragedy

so he voyages in circles
succeeds getting nowhere
and submits to the substance
that first got him there

than in violent, frustration he cries out to God or just no one
is there a point to this madness and all that he was....
is just a tragedy

he feels alone
his heart in his hand
he's alone
he feels alone
I feel....

then on that last day he breaks
and he stood tall
and he yelled... and he takes his life

Fri, 04 Nov 2005 17:34:19 GMT

fuck this place.

Fri, 04 Nov 2005 07:53:44 GMT

note to self; no matter how respectful or polite you can be to someone, theres still a chance of being decked if someone is drunk, and just did it for the hell of it. something is wrong with my vision. im going to stay here, listen to music and hide from the world because everything i do is always taken for granted when all one can want sometimes, is to feel like they belong. I'd appreciate it if no one pointed out the left side of my face thats swollen :-/

Fri, 04 Nov 2005 00:52:31 GMT

Simple/Brief Summary and Conclusion of the past few months;

Drug abuse and addiction that has influenced so much gossip about me, that actually could be considered a big part of everything. Trusting others too easily, to the extent of barely stopping my house(home.) from being victim of a home invasion while my mom and sister both had things dear to them taken in the process(not by me, if anyone could be so low to think that.) Which caused being kicked out and being considered unwelcome in a house i've lived at for over 10 years now. Staying on the streets, and eventually was blessed with a friend willing to share his apartment with me. <done typing the bad things, only got about halfway through.) Now I put myself in counsiling, living back at home, and plan to prove everyone wrong who expect me to fail at life. this isnt a n entry trying for one oz of pitty(trust me.), just something to maybe air out some of the gossip going around. Just everyone who reads this, of all times to take me seriously; now is the time. Family, friends(the kind that go in the 'family' category), and the objects with sentimental value are the only thing money cant replace, so never let them go. And life is too short and too precious to take our blessings for granted. And to anyone that may think they are a better person than I because i have fucked up in area's that people have been able to avoid, ^_^ just know. wisedom is something that can be gained by following a trend.

Sat, 29 Oct 2005 04:31:01 GMT

to all who have said it; yes im a complete fuck up. dunno if ima stick around here much longer :-/ but yeah. anyone that wants to say 'i told you so' there's your chance. but the lessons learned, make the definition of regret a little less negative. everyone just count your blessings. :-/

me.

Mon, 17 Oct 2005 07:08:10 GMT

I turned 18, this last wednesday; the 12th. Didnt post on that day for a reason. This birthday was like none other. No one has any idea what i'm talking about. Isn't it funny, the knowledge you can gain, if you want to know it hard enough.

Everyone will see that I am a tad quieter than usual, and not as open-hearted because of the way some have abused my friendship to them. I could keep going, but im not because i highly doubt the majority of people that will read this wont even understand this.

:-/

-me